Down But Not Out

I haven't blogged on this blog for a long time. I've been having personal issues that are seriously affecting my ability to function when I'm not surrounded by people or working. When I'm at home, I can barely move. I can barely get off of my butt. I sit. I stare. I watch Netflix at times. I putter around online. It's sad. I'm sad. I'm not ready to move forward completely. I'm working on it. I'm getting myself psyched for a life change, but so far, it's proven to be a challenge for me to overcome. I'm not making the connection between my head (what I know I should be doing) and my heart (what I feel like doing.) I'm ok with it for right now, and I need others to be ok with it, too.

My fertility journey has been long, but isn't over yet. It almost feels like it's just beginning in some ways. I'm on Metformin to help in what doctors think might be PCOS. We'll see what happens. I need to be exercising. I need the exercise to help me lose weight, which can possibly aid in my fertility. Exercise also gives endorphins, which can help me feel less sad. I get it. I do. I just can't do it, yet. (See the disconnect between my head and heart?) I am broken right now. I need fixing, but most of all, right now, I need love. I need to feel loved, wanted, needed, and most of all understood. I don't need judgment or to feel neglected, forgotten, ignored, or annoying. I need to know people have my back and that they love me despite my trials.

Source

I need to focus on me. I'm bad at focusing on myself. Really bad. I'm too concerned about the needs of other people. I have to stop it. I have to stop focusing on other people all the time because I'm using other people's problems as an excuse for not dealing with my own issues. I'm using other people to stay busy, so I don't have to face my problems head on.

I am medically infertile.

To be considered medically infertile, you must have been TTC without success for at least a year. We've been trying for 19.5 months. We have no glimmer of hope right now since I've never even conceived and miscarried. I am grateful that I have not lost a child, but I am sad because I have never conceived a child.

If you're still reading this, you might wonder what this has to do with Wii Fit, weight loss, or whatever else this blog is about. Well...I'll tell you. Everything. It has EVERY-freaking-THING to do with this blog. My infertility is now my weight-loss motivation. I may not be ready to move yet, but I'm still losing weight. In fact, I'm down 4.4 lbs since my last weigh-in. It's not a ton, but it's something. I feel good about that. I feel good about something, so those 4.4 lbs are amazing to me right now.

I want to start exercising again. I want to start eating better. I want to continue losing weight, so that, hopefully, I can finally get my baby. I need to do this. I want to do this.

It's time.